The Know Nothing Parents

In the last century, the Know Nothing Movement was a political movement that arose briefly to combat the influence of Irish Catholic immigrants. The term arose from the secrecy of the movement. When asked about it, members were supposed to respond, "I know nothing." Similarities to Sergeant Schultz of TV's Hogan's Heroes are entirely accidental.

In somewhat the same vein, the Know Nothing Soccer Parent resists any knowledge of the basic rules and strategy of the game we call football. What's more, they have no interest in ever educating themselves about silly things like rules and fundamentals. They are on the sideline to yell. Something. Loudly.

At one tournament in the not too distant past I got a chance to observe a small herd of KNSPs, middle-aged dads who had probably never experienced soccer until their DDs started to play. They had wanted sons, so they could have a boy play real football, but they were making do as best they could.

One of their team's players kicked the ball so that it struck an opponents arm. "Hand ball! Hand ball, ref!"

The ref rightly ruled that it was ball to hand, and had no significant influence on the control of the ball, so he let it go. The dads started yelling and then grumbling amongst themselves about the ref's bias against their team in not giving them the hand ball call that was rightfully theirs.

Straight up shoulder-to-shoulder challenges were also fair game. "They're pushing our girls!" The dads became indignant about the ref's ignoring these vicious, aggressive (but, of course, entirely legal, by the rules of the game) challenges.

But what really set them off were the slide tackles. One girl in particular from the opposing team had excellent technique. When the KNSPs team was mounting an attack, she executed a perfect slide tackle, taking the ball in its entirety away from the attacker, who then fell down under the challenge.

The sideline exploded. That had to be a foul! Our girl's on the ground! The ref signaled "play on" and this gesture, misunderstood by the men, added insult to injury. That girl took our player down and you signal play on, ignoring our cries for justice!

The men had not even finished their grumbling when a repeat situation occurred, different attacker, same slide tackler, but this one was in the box. When the girl went down, they leapt up in protest again. But this time they were certain that their team deserved a penalty kick.

Again, the tackler got all ball and the ref waved "play on." The dads screamed and howled in protest. They were livid. Finally, the tackler turned to them in disgust (this is a 12-year-old girl) and yells back at them, "It's a legal challenge! I got all ball."

I admired the young lady for standing up for herself and attempting to educate the ignorant. However, she could've brought chalk and a chalkboard and it would've done little good. These men were simply unwilling (and perhaps unable) to understand the concept of a legal tackle centered on defending the ball, and the player's body hitting the ground as a consequent action of the ball tackle.

Another common example of the KNSP, are the parents who believe the game of football to be centered around the art of the long, hard kick upfield, downfield, or out of bounds. These are the parents who yell enthusiastically every time their little Mia smacks the ball long, regardless of whether it results in anything positive for the team. For these KNSPs, the game of football is less a strategic team sport than it is a quasi-track and field event, in which 11 players attempt to set personal distance records in the run and kick competition.

...and nothing you can tell them will change their minds.